One Piece Gold Collector's Edition
by Me.Vicky
Summary: A couple of my older One Piece one-shots. I honestly have NO idea where these came from...some dark corner in my mind works overtime thinking up stuff like this...
1. Chapter 1

I hope you like this, but even if you don't you could review anyways and tell me why you didn't. Heck, I'd settle for a "Meh, it was interesting 5/10".

I don't own One Piece, so this is my disclaimer. I wish I did though. Own One Piece, that is. Specifically Sanji. And Luffy. And Zolo. And that one little guy, the one with the pink hair. But not Usopp. Actually, yes, Usopp, cos' then I could torture him.

Shrek Piece

Starring Luffy as Shrek

Nami as Fiona

Usopp as Pinocchio

Zolo as Puss in Boots

Chopper as Donkey

And Sanji as Gingie

Luffy: Hey look, Sanji! I'm an Ogre!

Sanji: Um, why are my buttons gumdrops?

Luffy: OOH, gumdrops!

Sanji: Don't you touch my gumdrop buttons! o.o' where did that come from?

Nami: AAAAAAAUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sanji: What troubles you, my dear?

Nami: My skin…it's…it's…it's GREEN!

Luffy: Aw, calm down. You're just an ogre…

Nami: …I'm an OGRE????!?!?!?!!!!?!?????

Luffy: oops.

Nami: AAAAAAAUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sanji: So…that means she's Fiona.

Luffy: Huh? Sanji, Nami's Nami, not Fiona

Sanji: No, I mean she's FIONA…you know, from the movie!

Nami and Luffy: o.O wtf…?

Sanji: You know, the movie starring Mike Myers and Cameron Diaz about the ogre named Shrek. (for some reason, the name escapes me.)

Nami and Luffy: O.o ftw…?

Sanji: Never mind

Luffy: Wow. Nami, you're kinda attractive as an ogre

Nami: …WHAT?!

Luffy: I'm just sayin…

Sanji: *grabs Nami* Nami's mine!

Nami: Hey, your buttons are gumdrops!

Sanji: *pushes Nami away* Don't touch my gumdrop buttons! O.o where is that coming from? This is weird…

*Zolo and Chopper come in*

Zolo: *Spanish accent* Hey there, Shrek… //_wtf why is my voice like this?//_

Luffy: Shrek? Who's Shrek? *giggles* Shrek…it sounds like baby shampoo.

Chopper: No, YOU'RE Shrek.

Luffy: Oh, I am?

Chopper: Says so at the top of the fic…

Luffy: *looks up* Oh, yeah…

Usopp: *runs in* SHREK!

Luffy: Shrek? Who's Shrek?

Zolo and Chopper: -_-'

Usopp: You gotta help me! My nose is growing longer!

-awkward pause-

Luffy: Looks the same to me…

Nami: Me too.

Sanji: Me three.

Luffy: So, who are you, Zolo?

Zolo: I'm Puss in Boots

*everyone laughs hysterically*

Zolo: …I'm Puss in Boots

*everyone laughs hysterically*

Zolo: Um, what's so funny?

Sanji: Let me get this straight. Basically, you're a PUSS?

Zolo: Um, yes.

*everyone laughs hysterically*

Sanji: So you admit you're a PUSSY?

Zolo: *angry* YES! IN BOOTS!

*everyone dies lauging*

Zolo: . What is so funny?!

*Nami awakes from the dead to explain to Zolo the humor of him admitting that he is a pussy*

Zolo: …Sanji, I'm going to kill you…

Usopp: Save his buttons for me, Zolo!

Sanji: DON'T TOUCH THE GUMDROP BUTTONS!!!!!

Everyone: o.o

Sanji: What is UP with this? Why do I even HAVE gumdrop buttons? And come to think of it, why am I made of low-quality gingerbread?

Luffy: And your hair is frosting!

Sanji: WHAT?! *grabs mirror* O.O IT IS! My beautiful hair…

Mirror: Please don't cry on me, buddy.

Everyone: AAAH! A talking Mirror!

Mirror: I am a magic Mirror. Ask any question and I will answer correctly.

Luffy: …AAAH! A talking Mirror!

Mirror: …is he always like that?

Nami: You have no idea…

Mirror: Ask me any question, and I will give you the correct answer.

Luffy: Okay. Mirror, will I find One Piece and-

Mirror: No, you have to start with Mirror, Mirror!

Luffy: Mirror, Mirror, will I find One Piece?

Mirror: Your question has to have rhyme and rhythm.

Luffy: Huh???

Nami: Luffy, can't you do ANTHING right?

Chopper: You mean Shrek.

Nami: Whatever.

Chopper: Like this, Shrek: Mirror, Mirror, answer true: What's the sum of two and two?

Mirror: Four, four, now ask no more, cos' I've told you the answer and that answer is four.

Everyone: Oooooh…

Luffy: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh……so WHAT do I do?

Nami: Like this…Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the richest one of all?

Mirror: You, you, yes it's true, the richest of all is you you you.

Everyone: O.O Wow…

Zolo: My turn! Mirror, Mirror-

Chopper: I am bored…

Zolo: -who will strike down Mihawk's sword?

Mirror: You, you, yes it's true, the guy who beats Mihawk is you you you.

Everyone: ^_^ cool!

Luffy: Okay, I think I get it! Mirror, Mirror…uh, what rhymes with pirate?

Everyone: LUFFY!

Chopper: SHREK!

Luffy: Luffy doesn't rhyme with Shrek…

*everyone facefaults*

Luffy: I got it! Mirror, Mirror you shiny thing, who will be a pirate king?

Mirror: You, you, yes it's true, you'll find One Piece and the king will be you!

Everyone: YAY! LUFFY DID IT RIGHT!

Sanji: Mirror, Mirror, buddy pal, will I meet the perfect gal?

Mirror: No.

Everyone:…

Sanji: No?

Mirror: No.

Sanji: That's it?

Mirror: Fine. HELL no.

Sanji: No rhyme?

Mirror: Very well, then: No, no, no no no, no no no no no no no.

Sanji: *distressed* At least I'm still attractive…

Nami: Hey Mirror, I've always wondered what the true meaning of life is.

Luffy: That's easy. Forty two.

Nami: Shut up, you cretin.

Mirror: Actually, Luffy is right.

*everyone stares at Luffy*

Zolo: but…but…

Sanji: FORTY TWO?!

Luffy: *grins* Cool, huh?

Chopper: It was like, the secret of the UNIVERSE, and LUFFY knew it…

Nami: *smug* You mean Shrek.

Chopper: Whatever.

Luffy: who IS this Shrek guy you keep talking about?

Mirror: Who's next?

Usopp: Mirror, Mirror in the wood, who's the guy whose looks are good?

*Mirror screams and shatters into millions of tiny pieces*

*Everyone stares at Usopp*

Usopp: Uh…*bends down* Shards, Shards on the ground…

Sanji: Nice work there, Pinocchio…

Usopp: Shut up, Frosting Top!

Sanji: Frosting Top? That's the best you got?

Usopp: Listen, right now my head happens to be made out of wood.

Sanji: Whatever, foo. Don't make me bust out my jazz hands. Remember what happened last time?

Luffy: Yeah, with all the naked mole rats?

Usopp: (quivering) s-so many naked mole rats…s-so NAKED…

Nami: All of you shut up or I'll shove Sanji's gumdrops up your-

Sanji: **YOU AIN'T MESSING WITH THE GUMDROP BUTTONS!!!!!!!!!!**

Everyone: O.o…

Sanji: Alright, this is starting to freak me out…

Luffy: What's that? *points*

Chopper: That's a dragon, Shrek.

Luffy: Oh. *pause* What's a dragonshrek?

*collective group groan*

Chopper: NO, it's a dragon.

*pause*

Everyone: DRAGON?!

Dragon: Rrooooooaar! *breathes flame*

Zolo: RUN!!!

Sanji: Stay and fight, you pussy!

Zolo: ILLEGAL PUSSY JOKE!

Usopp: Sanji, it's melting your buttons!

*Sanji goes berserk and kills the dragon*

Sanji: Nobody messes with the gumdrop buttons!


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own One Piece, so this is my disclaimer. I wish I did though. Own One Piece, that is. Specifically Sanji. And Luffy. And Zolo. And that one little guy, the one with the pink hair.

At Luffy's call, Zolo was on deck with a speed usually reserved for space travel.

"It's here, Zolo!" Luffy said again.

"I heard you the first time," Zolo grinned. "Where is it?"

Luffy grinned wider. "I told you, it's here!"

Zolo frowned slightly. "We've established that, Luffy. So where is it?"

Luffy grinned even wider. "It's HEEEEEEEEEERE!!!" he shouted, flinging his arms around madly.

Zolo crossed his arms impatiently. "Luffy, will you just tell me WHERE it is?!"

Luffy's grin turned into a laugh. "It's right here!" He pulled off his straw hat and shoved a Santa hat on his head. "Happy Winter Solstice!"

Zolo stood, stunned. "……………Winter Solstice?"

"Yup, it's here!"

Zolo scowled. "Luffy, I told you only to call me either when my Bowflex gets here or if you are dying."

Luffy just laughed harder. "But I was dying! I was DYING to tell you!"

Muttering curses, Zolo turned and stomped back to his room. At the door, he turned. "By the way, it's July."


	3. Chapter 3

"No, Luffy."

"Aw, come on, everyone loves to see a pie-in-the-face."

"I said no, and I meant no."

"Pleeeeease? It's been such a boring week!"

"No, alright? Just…just no."

"Boo." Luffy gave the dessert in his hands a gloomy look. "Well then, Nami, if you won't take it, and nobody else will either, then there's only one thing left to do."

Already dreading the answer, she shifted her eyes to him. "And what would that be, Luffy?"

-splat-

"A pie not faced," Luffy said as solemnly as he could through the whipped cream caked across his face, "is hardly a pie at all."

-=+=-

A/N: Um…yeah, I have no idea what this means. Sorry, I shouldn't even be posting it, but OH WELL, I guess you'll read it anyways. Lemmings.

No, for reals, I love you all. Kisses!


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